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It's just been a long time.

I can't remember the last time I posted an entry, so I figured its as good of time as any to post again.
Since I don't remember when I did post last time, I'm not sure what all I said in my last post, what sort of things I talked about, so if I repeat some things then do forgive me. But I'm sure I won't be repeating.

I'm sure it's been a couple months so I'll just start with the past couple of months...
A while ago I met this guy named Tony, very cute, very Italian, and just an all around good guy. Well It was July of last year that we met, and since then we have had this sort of off and on relationship (more off due to his life than anything). He's gone through a lot of stuff the past year and a half that he's lived here (Seattle) and so when a low point came into his life he would stop talking to me and since we wouldn't talk, that means we wouldn't get to hang out or anything. But then a couple of months ago, after I got back from Texas, we started talking again. We then hung out and have tried to see each other as much as possible ever since. And through the meetings that we have had, and the talks, cuddling, kissing, and other stuff, our feelings grew stronger for each other and eventually we said those three immortal words (I love you). He was the first one to say those words to me, but for myself on the other hand I had to think about if I actually loved him or not... I don't say those words unless I truly mean them to a guy, so I did a lot of thinking... I thought about the stuff that he had done to me, and how hurt I was... but in the end I wound up saying "I love you" to him... But even though the words are happy ones, it did come at a cost... Tony is moving back home to Idaho.

This to me seems to be my curse, when I meet a guy I actually like and might have a good relationship with, something like this happens... Needless to say I'm not happy about the whole thing, not one bit.
But in the end I am understanding of why he's moving back home, he needs it for himself. So I can't be selfish. I did ask him that if he wasn't moving if he would be my bf, and he said "yes in a heartbeat" but we both agreed that it wouldn't be fair to either of us if we tried a long distance relationship. I'm going to miss him a great deal but I have to move on again and try to find someone that is closer to me... But I will say this... If Tony and I ever have a chance to actually date and be boyfriends, then I won't hesitate to grab him up all for myself. :)

So yeah that's what's been happening in my love life...
In other aspects of my life...

I went to Sakura-con last weekend! It was so amazing!!! I didn't want it to end. It was so awesome to see all the different cosplay people did. I wish I was able to do cosplay this year, but I was to broke to do it, so maybe i'll be able to do it next year. :D I got a lot of nice artwork while I was there, some beautiful pieces of work that I can't wait to frame!!!


In other news.... I'm at school right now waiting till I have to go to my next class which is anthropology... and the Wifi at this school sucks!!!! I've been trying to update an app on my iphone for like the past two hours, and it's not even half-way finished!!!! I'm so pissed.... not to mention I can't watch anything online cause it takes a half hour for the damn internet to even load a minute of play time. I'm ready to just go punch the wireless router in the face!!!

Well It wasn't a long update, but at least it was an update.... Thank you for reading!! :)

Till next time (hopefully it won't be 5 months, which it probably will be, if I know myself good enough then I'll wait that long to update. LOL).



Another depressing post.
As I'm watching the movie "The other man" I start to feel myself go into a direction that isn't a good one.
When the movie finishes, I sat in silence for about 30 seconds, then I decided to turn on some music... little to my knowledge pressing the play button on my keyboard continued the last song that I was listening to earlier in the day... That song was "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. If you have ever heard the song, its not one of those uplifting sort of songs, it kind of has that calming/saddening tone to it (depending on your mood). Well in my case it wasn't a really good mood that I was in, so the song had a saddening effect on me.
My mind starts to sink. The night seemed to get darker than it could possibly become. I then look at something one my computer, then look away, and then all of a sudden... My ex pops into my head. Now if you don't know me then I should tell you this, when I think of my ex, only two feelings (emotions) arise. One is utter hate (dislike) towards him, I mean he broke my heart and damaged my soul, if that has ever happened you know what it feels like. Like something is missing from your very being, and no matter how much you deny the existence of any sort of gap, the gap is still there, and in my case it was my ex that had created the gap in my soul. The other emotion is a mix of complete love, sadness, and depression. And that was (is) the case tonight. I found a picture of him in my computer and just stared at it... and stared, and stared. Those piercing blue eyes of his, just looking at me. The semi-cocked smile on his face. All I could think was "he looks happy, and I was the one who made him feel that way."
To try and throw my mind off of him, I opened a bottle of Pinot Noir, and threw myself into a homework frenzy. But in my attempts to get him off my mind, they don't seem to work.

He's still there.
I like it, and I want him there.
The only pieces of him I have are in my memories. I think that one day I will see him again, and perhaps get to be his again. But I know that deep down, that'll never happen.

I wish in some cases that I had never met him. But I know that my life would be completely different if I didn't have in my life, for what ever brief amount of time it was.

I'm glad the one thing that couldn't be taken from me was my memory of him. If I didn't have those, I wouldn't be able to live.

But having said that, I want to find love again... but I don't want to rush it, I want it to blossom and grow, just as it had done with Justin.

And I hope that one day I will only think of the time I had been with Justin, as a time the had steered me in the direction of my true love.

So as I say good-bye and goodnight for tonight, I hope that my depression lifts, and that I have a chance to find my true love and have a good life. And I hope for the same, for all of you.

Love you all.
Dream soundly.

With love,

P.S. Writing this post has made me feel a lot better. Thank you for reading.

Am I mad of lies?

I've tried to keep myself in a positive mood. I have been thinking that I just need to be somewhat selfish and think about myself and get somewhere new in order to get myself to some good place in my life.
Well that doesn't seem to be working, I just keep finding myself falling backwards all the time. I suppose it's mostly caused by the fact that I want someone to care for, but all the guys are fucking jerks and they can't seem to return the feelings. I can't find someone who'll care. I don't want to talk to my friends ever because they just can't fill that space that can only be filled by someone who you can be really close too.

I want to love again, but I feel I shouldn't. I mean I don't think I deserve it. I was with someone who treated me like crap, and when that person left me I was hanging onto him for such a long time that when I tried to get out there to find someone new... I wound up hurting other people because I was hung up on him, he kept coming back and I feel even deeper into that hole... I think I'm so far down that I won't be able to find my way out, ever.

I seem to only find guys who are a hundred miles away... or who are just emotionally messed up, and play games. I suppose I play games, but not on purpose (I think).

Maybe it's this void that I feel that's the problem... I mean there's a companionship void, but I think that there's a void of myself too... Like I'm missing a key component of myself that defines who I am. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to figure out what it is. I go to school, and I work, I visit with family, and I hang with friends, I go on dates, and I plan what I'm going to do for the next day, I listen to music I like, I eat, I sleep, I shower, I play video games, I watch tv, I laugh, I cry... But am I lying to myself too? Deep down I feel like I am lying to myself, and every day it gets worse. And its eating away at me inside and that one day I'm going to wake up and I will be completely dead inside.

I see these things that "make up" my life... From the cloths I wear, to the bed sheets I sleep, to the music I listen too, to everything else I have and interact with... Is this truly me? Do I really think if I have someone there to talk to and to enjoy stuff with, will really fix everything?


Maybe not.

I'm 21...

I just turned 21 not even and hour ago... And the first gift I get is tears. I trusted someone, and I got hurt, again!!! I thought everything was going to be fine, and work out for the best, at first I thought it would, I really did. But then again, I was in a state of delusion and denial. I got hurt again, and my heart can't take it... I want to end the pain so badly, but I just can't bring myself to do it. The man I love, whom I will always love, tricked me and tossed me aside like a piece of paper. I should have just said no, I shouldn't have fallen again... I have myself to blame, and all the guilt in the world.

I should've said no.

Now all I feel is sadness, regret, and pain.

happy 21st birthday. :(


So yesterday was a semi good day, I mean I got up and played the PS3 for a while, then I went out to pick up my new game (which I wasn't able to pick up for like a month)... And Well like I said everything was awesome and going good... I had asked Justin if he wanted to come up (or rather if you could come up)... And well guess what I get...? "Maybe..."

Are you fucking kidding me?! Can anyone say yes or no anymore?! It seems that I'm expected to say yes when he want's me to come down, what do I have to cattier to his will?! And I never even got a sorry or a reason why he wasn't going to come down, just a maybe... I mean common when 9, 10, or hell 11 o'clock roles around the kindest thing to do is tell the person you're not going to come down for some reason or another. And at like 10:15 I get a text from him saying that he "hasn't left yet" and that "oh you know I wanna come down"... Then why the hell didn't you?!!!!!?

It's just really disappointing, and well I just keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't have dragged myself into this crap again, I feel the same way I did 5 months ago... Alone, stupid, ignorant, heart broken, and totally humiliated. I knew I shouldn't have had sex with him.

In other news, work totally sucks... I'm sick and tired of all the drama that goes on there, I mean seriously get lives people, and when you do... don't bring them to work. And not to mention the amount of stress that goes on at work, you'd need a freaking chain saw in order to cut the tension and stress. *sigh* I just need to get somewhere's else, anywhere will do just as long as it's out of this freaking state. (tho i'd rather leave the god forsaken planet.)

I have more to rant about but I have to go take a shower. In hopes of a more peaceful mind. Later.

Another tuesday.

It was so nice this past week, sun was shining, birds chirping, kids playing out in the streets enjoying the wonderful weather... I was even able to enjoy most of it, regardless of work getting in the way. But sadly all good things must come to an end, as of course living in washington you can't get a whole week of sun without the consequences of having rain. So today, it just started doing that, raining... but to top it off I'm kinda sick, though i'm trying to battle it off before it gets to far, which at this point I think I'm winning... I feel sore and stuff, but that's because I had an intense workout yesterday, and a pretty awesome run.

You know when you take that dayquil medicine and on the side of the bottle it says non-drowsy... yeah I think they lie cause I'm feeling pretty tired, which means it might be time for a nap. LOL It's my day off so I'm able to just laze about and relax.

I'm surprised really, this is the third day in a row that I've updated my journal (you know posted something) in a really long time, or ever for that matter. Thought I know it's been mostly depressing stuff, you'd think that there might be other stuff to talk about then my personal life, but there isn't... which brings me to something that's been on my mind, I don't think I actually have someone I can turn to, to talk about things... I mean I used to have two but they both moved out of state, and yes I have people I can talk to you know friends and whatnot but I just don't feel that same connection with them as I had with the two people I used to confide in... Though I guess I've been kinda lazy in that respect, I don't feel like I want to put any effort into any relationship (friendship or otherwise). I kinda just want to separate myself from the world and just be by myself for a while. I hate when I have nothing to do I just think, so I'm going to get off the computer, take a nap and go and find something to do.

Peace out.

I'm done...

Dating, sex, relationships, the whole fucking shabang!!! What's the point? I've been let down so many times already, I'm to young for this shit, I don't want to be 25 and have a bunch of ulcers in my stomach. I think I've figured out the direction that I want my life to go in and well from what i can tell I won't have time for guys anyway, no need for guys.

Well on the upper hand I've been having a good day, actually a good week, the sun has been out and I've been able to enjoy most of it, like today I went for a run and omg it was so nice.

I'm ready for sleep though, So i'm just going to laze about and watch some tv. :)
"I've captured this perfect image of you.
No one can erase it, from my mind.
I let it rule me in the entirety of my existence.
It's only in my dreams now, and that I don't care, for i'd rather hold on to that then the apparent truth.
I've become happy with your dream-self and am glad to have it.
I don't wish to let go of it, and pray for the day in which i will forget it."

I do not wish to explain that little "poem" I guess you can call it, it's what i'm feeling and what i'm thinking.

Moving on.

The past few entries have been, for lack of a better word, depressing... oh wait that is the right word. It's been all about, well you know who, and frankly i'm sick and tired of it... I mean come on, if he wasn't the perfect guy for me then my guy is out there... I was treated like shit, and don't deserve that ever again. And with that thought buzzing around in my head I've been starting to think that maybe I don't want to have a relationship regardless of what the "statues" of it is, like whether it be casual dates, non-exclusive dating, or a strict monogamous relationship. I put so much effort into my last relationship that I don't think I could do that again, well anytime soon that is. I don't even know if i'm ready for it again, or ready for a relationship at all, maybe i'm not old enough yet, and maybe I should be thinking of where my life should be going... or there is the dramatic alternative, don't date or commit... ever... I mean look at me, i'm 20 (almost 21) and have had at least six relationships, and have fully loved 3 of the guys to the point where the break up was tragic (on my end at least, I'm completely convinced that the guys are heartless pricks)... I mean how pathetic is that, I guess I should be thankful for those failed relationships though, gives me some perspective and things to change as to what to fix, so that that sort of thing doesn't happen again. And I'm stronger for it, right?

---what about broken?---

I mean okay lets analyze (somewhat)...
My first bf that I loved, I wound up running from, cause I guess I was scared at even the littlest of commitments...
Then the second guy I loved wasn't really based on actual love, It was more like love derived from sex, literally! I mean we fought all the time, and the relationship only lasted about 5 months, but when we broke up I was torn and broken for months... (was it just the sex I was crying over?).
And then there was the third guy I've ever loved... True love, is all I can say... he said something during our break up conversation... "You're just in love with Love..." Since he said it i've been analyzing it almost every day, I find it to be completely false, I mean if I was in love with Love then I would have gotten over him (in a short period of time) and then attached myself on to the next guy (of my own attraction) that I saw... making sense?... I want certain things, I know most of what I want out of a guy that goes beyond physical attraction and penis size, I mean this is reality. Seriously! ... But then I look at myself, and well I've ruined each one of my relationships, and so in turn think that maybe I'm not able to have the "happily ever after" (or close to it)... My life seems so short to me, I feel like I don't have long to live on this Earth and feel like i've been wasting it away... or maybe it's just my lack of perspective. IDK!!!

My thought processes are just full of "what if's" and "maybe's" ... I should just probably (fancy word for maybe) do something drastic, and life changing to kick myself in a different direction.

Well in hope of there being a next time.


Another page

It's still a bit hard.
I'm moving on, at a slow pace, but i'm not fully moving on, I feel like i'm on auto pilot my body is moving forward but my mind is staying still.
Everyday I feel different, sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way. At moments my heart seems contented with where its at, but at other points of time I feel my heart breaking. I haven't moved on, and I fear that I won't be able to for a good long while, I mean I was never able to be pushed into the right direction to even start to move on.
At times I feel as if it's extremely pathetic, but is it? I mean it's human nature, some people fall in love and are able to have that love there entire lives, others feel love for a short while and then quickly move on so they can find true happiness (and seldom find it), then there are those who fall in love and know that it's the real thing but then are unable to keep it (not by choice sometimes). Every guy i've dated so far hasn't told me the reason as to why they where breaking up with me, is it by choice or by fear that they choose not to tell me? I guess at this point it doesn't matter does it?
But I feel like it does, I need some sort of closer, I mean Justin practically ripped my heart out, stomped on it and then buried it somewhere where I can't find it... So due to the fact that I have little to no information as to why my heart was broken again i've been forced to create some sort of explanation as to why things have turned out the way they have, Justin cheated on me... regrettably it is a strong accusation, but I guess in a way this has helped me cope with the lose, I know it's not like someone died or anything, but at least if someone did die I would have a reason as to why they left me ya know? And I know that may have sounded selfish but I don't care, it's my journal. lol...

I try to keep myself in as positive of a mood as I can, but sometimes it's completely useless... and that state where I can't think of anything else to keep me happy, is dangerous for me... I can't feel my heart, I only feel this empty uncontrollable feeling in my guy, I fear in a world full of 6 billion other people, the person I was ment to be with has already come and gone in my life. To quick, and to early in my life. I manage to get by day to day, but I can't stop thinking, if there was anything that could just get me to stop thinking of him for just a few moments I would surly take it. My love for Justin was, is and with always be strong.

I always thought good-byes where sad and frankly unneeded, so I try to never say good-bye... And to that end I feel as if Justin has said his good-byes to me already, even without saying anything. I can't and will never be able to say good-bye to the man who changed my life, who has made me feel true love at this early point in my life. I do hope that one day in the near future that we will be together again, but I suppose that that hope should just stay in my head.

Well now that felt good to say, needed to write something down... ugh but now I have to go to work, blimey that's never fun... simply isn't any fun. LOL.

Another day, another page.

Mar. 19th, 2010

I feel weak.
And I feel myself slipping more and more. Ever since the break-up I have done nothing but cried. I mean sure there are some days where I'm in a complete state of happiness, but it only lasts momentarily, and then i'm right back where I started.

I'm still waiting for him, cause I know things can work out, but he's shutting me out for what reason? He doesn't know what will happen in the future, when he gets out of the Navy, and when he moves, he's afraid of the "Unknown" and it's that fear that drove us apart, I mean he knew this was going to happen. We did have a discussion about it a few months after we started dating.
He said he loved me first.

I believed him when he said he would never leave me. I went into our first date not expecting a single damn thing from it, but I wound up falling in love with the most amazing guy in the world. The only guy whom I see myself having a future with that is completely different than anything I could ever imagine. I love everything that is different between us. And I love how I want to know more about him, and that I want to like everything he likes, and grow together and like mutual things.
Am I missing him to much?

He's always in my mind, he's buzzing around in my head every day. I can't and don't want to stop thinking about him... does this make me delusional? I mean I keep imagining that he's going to knock on my door, and I'll open it, and he'll just burst in and hug me, then kiss me so passionately that time just seems to stop, and that all that time that we've been apart was merely but a few days, not months.
I just don't want to feel this pain anymore.

I know what he's got going on in his life right now, and I understand that it's all stressful... but I just feel like he's going to forget about me and that he won't let me back in his life. I love him, but hate him all the same... I don't want him to be excluded from my life, but then again I don't think I can stand this "just friends" deal... I mean what is going to happen when he finds someone else? I'm going to just die! but I don't think it'll matter, I mean I know I was the main cause of why he broke up with me.
It can't be denied

I'm just a mess without him.
I hope that he'll want me back, and let me make him the happiest guy alive, cause being with him made me so happy, I just want to do the same.

But for now, I just cry.

Good night.